Does chaos reign, do your kids talk back, think your a walking piggy-bank and feel they need the new iPhone to take to elementary school?

It sounds like a case for...Family Systems.

Last week I attended the Power of Moms Retreat, where we discussed how to improve ourselves and our families.

I previously wrote about Nurturing the ‘Me’ in Mom – Cultivating Purpose Beyond Motherhood, and How to Leave 'Margin' Space for the Stuff That Matters.

Another major area of discussion was Family Systems.

All successful organizations incorporate three types of systems:

Legal system
Economic system
Identity and culture system

To strengthen your family, and to protect your children from 'entitlement-itis', you need to incorporate all three.

Here's what they are and ideas for using them.

Family Legal System

This is where the rubber hits the road. Your Family Legal System is the rules you've agreed to live by - and the consequences that are the result of breaking those rules.

What's that you say? You don't have any family rules? Perhaps you should reconsider.

These 'rules' shouldn't be complicated or a list a mile long. Ideally, five short, sweet and easily remembered rules are best. Things like:

Love
Respect
Serve
Ask
Obey

You get the idea. They should be something you come up with together. Choose words that encompass attitudes you want your family to possess.

Weary of my children's fighting, Respect and Ask are rules that help them remember to treat each other differently.

One powerful ingredient to a successful Family Legal System is to create a positive environment. Children are more likely, and more eager, to have good behavior when they feel good as a result of our interaction with them, and the overall 'feeling' of our home (or truck in our case : D ).

How can we tell if we have a positive environment? Ask yourself questions like these:

Do I have clear, fair and accepted rules and consequences?
Do I tell my children frequently that I sincerely love them and show them in other ways as well?
I'm I genuinely interested in them and make eye contact when they talk to me?
Do I ask their opinion on things and give them the chance to choose for themselves?
Do I show plenty of physical affection - hugs, kisses, pats on the back, cuddle time?
Do I assume the best about my children and not jump to conclusions?
Am I publicly and privately praising my children?
Do I respond appropriately to their requests and needs?
Do I give them the attention they need so they don't feel they have to act out to get it?
Do I apologize for my own bad behavior and set an example of self-improvement?

One thing to avoid in your Family Legal System is an over-emphasis on external rewards or punishment instead of returning to a focus on internal motivations and feelings.

For example, instead of saying 'Don't hit your sister!', you focus, not on the hitting, but on the motivation behind it. "Were you having Love or Respect toward your sister right now when you did that?"

Kids know. They know when they are trying to be mean or if they are just having fun. Make them own it and govern themselves, rather than needing to be policed by you all the time.

That being said, there are things you can do that are 'external' motivators that help to emphasize the internal feelings of doing the right thing.

One mother gives her children 'high five's' - paper ones. On hand-shaped cutouts that she bought from the dollar store, she writes down the family law that the child followed, and tapes the 'high five' to the wall - where they can see it and beam with pride.

Another idea I've tried myself is a 'bean jar'. For good deeds done, beans are placed in a jar - manners, sharing, serving.

When the jar is full, then a family fun time is planned - a restaurant, water park or other excursion.

The bean jar encourages kids to work together instead of compete to be the 'best'. All the beans go into the same jar, so any good deed done by any child benefits the entire family.

Family Economy

Your family uses money. I'm sure of that. And you probably have a system for deciding what to spend your money on.

But do your kids know that? And are they involved in it?

Or do they think you're a walking bank?

Allowing children to earn their own money, and encouraging (or requiring them at a certain age) to pay for their own things, really helps them in several ways.

First, they learn the value of money and how to manage it.

Next, they appreciate more what they have, and take better care of it, because they paid for it themselves.

Last, they become uber motivated when they realize it's in their power to get what they want as long as they put in the work.

Ideas for Family Economy vary significantly from family to family.

Some families give allowances, while others feel that children shouldn't be 'paid' to do the stuff that needs to be done anyway. You have to discover what works best for you.

Other ideas include:

Paying children for 'extra' chores and projects around the house
Helping kids to do their own 'business' - baby sitting, baking bread, etc.
Matched savings plan - encourage them to learn to save by matching their savings
Bank accounts - open an actual account for them and watch their excitement grow as their balance does

By giving your children the chance to earn things, instead of just giving them things, you help to avoid The Entitlement Trap (a new book by Richard and Linda Eyre), and instead create hard working, mature, responsible individuals.

Family Culture and Identity

A major part of creating a positive environment in your home comes as a result of having a strong family culture and identity.

Do your children feel proud to be in your family? Do they feel like they 'belong' and are part of a family community with long term purpose and identity?

Strengthening this area in Family Systems can really help to strengthen family bonds.

When your children feel like they belong to a team, with team mates and coaches who adore them and cheer them on, it really helps with their personal identity and with making choices that will help them reach their long term objectives.

Family Culture and Identity can be established and fortified in simple ways - it doesn't have to be elaborate. Some ideas include:

Family traditions - not just on holidays, but daily traditions, like a family hug, bedtime stories or meal times
Family motto or mission statement, or even a family song
Family t-shirt, logo or 'coat of arms'
'Secret' hand signals or signs that mean "I love you"
Hand written notes expressing appreciation or love
Family dinner time, prayer time or devotional

It is possible to have a strong and loving family, even with the tide of failing families in the world today. It starts by making simple, positive changes in the right direction.

Here are more resources for strengthening your family:

How do you strengthen your family? Please comment below.

Interested in a monthly virtual meetup to discuss Deliberate Motherhood?

Topics would include:

Family Systems - legal/discipline & economy
Strengthening Family Identity
Finding 'Me' Time to Be a Better Mom
Mothering on the Road
Finding Joy in Motherhood
Much More

Sign up below if interested.

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How Family Systems Can Save Your Family